The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7) Read online

  “Yeah, you’re both hot.”

  She grinned at my comment.

  “I just mean you look good…” I didn’t want her to think I had the hots for her husband. That would be weird. But Derek and his father looked like brothers, so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find Deacon attractive…and would love to have a husband who aged like that.

  She chuckled. “Thank you.”

  “So, what’s new with you?”

  “Nothing, really. I work all day and go home to Deacon. Pretty boring. My kids are all out of the house living their lives, and I try not to be one of those helicopter moms who asks for their attention all the time.”

  “Yeah…” I wasn’t sure how I would be when Lizzie moved out of the house. Would I be excited to have my own space since I’ve never lived alone before? Or would I miss her all the time and blow up her phone?

  “How are things with you and Lizzie?”

  A part of me was afraid his parents would think I was an immoral slut who couldn’t keep her legs closed when I was young, but they both seemed nonjudgmental about it. “We’re really close, at least for now. I still have to act like her mother, but sometimes I feel like we’re friends. And when I get too comfortable in that role, I have to pull back and remind myself that I’m her mother…and that’s my job.”

  She nodded in understanding. “I had the same problem with Daisy. All of my kids, really. You always love your kids, but you don’t always like them. And I happen to like all my kids. They’re great and interesting people, so it’s easy to let that barrier fall. But I had to keep reminding myself until they were officially adults and out of the house. Deacon and Derek are both busy with their careers, so they don’t have a lot of time, but they’re really close, more like friends than father and son.”

  “Yeah, I’ve noticed that. They are really cute together.”

  “They are,” she said with a smile. “I’m really lucky to have such a beautiful family, and you’re so lucky that you have your daughter.”

  It meant a lot to me that she viewed my daughter as a benefit rather than a mistake because Lizzie was far from a mistake. “She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, she just came at the worst time. My parents were really disappointed in me when I told them I was pregnant, and they told me how much it would ruin my life. Maybe my life would have been easier if I didn’t have her, but I wouldn’t change what happened. I still went to college, still got a great job. I still did everything I would have done, regardless… It was just harder to complete.”

  She nodded in understanding. “I believe everything happens for a reason, that it’s meant to happen. So, I never look back on life with regret. Deacon was really unhappy in his previous marriage because she was…not a good person, to be honest. But he doesn’t regret it because it gave him Derek. That’s just how we have to look at life.”

  “I have to say, I’m really relieved that you and Deacon don’t have a problem with Lizzie.”

  “Why would we?” she asked bluntly.

  “I don’t know…I don’t think a lot of parents would be too happy about their son dating a woman with a daughter who’s almost a teenager because I was reckless and broke my curfew.”

  She shook her head. “A child is a blessing, no matter when they arrive. And Derek is in his thirties now. He’s perfectly capable of making decisions about his life on his own. Even if I did have a problem with Lizzie, it wouldn’t matter because my grown son is capable of handling whatever he chooses to handle. I think parents sometimes forget that their job is done once their children are adults—and you need to accept all their decisions.”

  I’d have to remember that myself when Lizzie moved out.

  “I know Derek is a bit hesitant about meeting your daughter, but I have no doubt that he would be a great stepfather…once he gets over his reservations. He’s a brilliant man, but he has a lot of insecurities about himself…because he’s had his heart broken a few times. But I think he’ll get over that now that he has you.”

  “He told me about his birth mom. That she left.”

  Cleo didn’t have a reaction, like just thinking about it made her feel empty inside. “I’m not the kind of person who says bad things about other people, unless it’s to their face, but…she wasn’t a good person. She wasn’t a good mother. She used Derek as leverage to get what she wanted out of Deacon, and once she found another rich man to fall under her spell, she took off…and never came back. There were a few phone calls in the beginning, but then she had a couple more kids and pretty much just forgot about him. No phone calls on his birthday, no presents for Christmas.”

  Fuck, I was gonna cry.

  “Derek did pretty well with it until she passed away. It just stirred up all those old feelings, and I think now that she’s gone, he can never really confront her about anything. He’s always struggled with it, and whenever Derek asked about her as a child, we always made up stories to tell him. But when he stopped asking…we knew he’d figured it out. And that was just so hard for Deacon and me to watch, to witness this perfect little boy have to deal with that kind of abandonment. I know he and I are close, that he knows I love him as if I carried him for nine months, but I can never fix that.”

  I inhaled a deep breath, feeling like shit, understanding his sudden outbursts and coldness a little more. “He says he doesn’t want to have kids.”

  “A lot of men say that until they meet the right woman.”

  “But it makes me wonder if he’s afraid he’ll be a terrible parent the way she was, and that that’s what his issue is.”

  She shrugged. “He’s the only one who knows that answer. But I know he’s never been able to let anyone in again since Tabitha.”

  “Who’s Tabitha?”

  She turned quiet, like she knew she’d said too much. “I assumed he’d already told you…”

  “He’s mentioned he was in a relationship ten years ago, but every time I ask him about it, he says he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

  She gave a slight nod. “He’ll come around, eventually.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t press her for more information because Derek deserved to be the one to tell me—whenever he was ready to do so.

  “Deacon and I were really excited to hear about the two of you. There’s been no one in a really long time, and you make him really happy. I think you can put your faith in that. I know you’re scared to expose your daughter to him, get your own heart broken, but Derek will get there. You just have to be patient.”

  “I’d wait forever for him.” The words came out all on their own like instinct. I knew Cleo was his mother, but it was impossible not to speak to her like a confidante, as if she were a good friend of Derek’s or something.

  Her eyes softened.

  “I’m in no rush anyway,” I whispered. “I was going to wait until my daughter was out of the house before I found someone, so…I can wait. I do fantasize about something happening sooner, the three of us being a family, but I know Derek is nowhere near that right now.”

  “I don’t think he is either.”

  I already felt myself falling for him—and falling fast. My heart had softened for him a long time ago, but now that we were together, making love, being completely vulnerable with each other, that connection was deepening at an astonishing rate. I suspected time passed differently for him, but for me, it was going at the speed of light.

  “Deacon and I would love to meet Lizzie. But I suspect we should wait for Derek to meet her first.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t want to confuse her.

  “What’s she like?” She grabbed her mug and took a drink. “Do you have any pictures?”

  I chuckled as I pulled out my phone. “Do I have any pictures…” I opened an album that just had her pictures, from when she was a baby until now. It was a digital photo album that I could look at any time I was down and needed a pick-me-up.

  Cleo took the phone and scrolled through, smiling and saying, “Aww…” every few second
s.

  “She’s really bright, but she’s got a feisty attitude. She’s no-nonsense, insists that she needs more independence, plays soccer and softball, says Derek is hot…when she’s waaaay too young to be saying that sort of thing. It makes me realize how little time I have left with her.”

  “She knows about Derek?” She kept flipping through.

  “She knows he’s my boss but not that we’re together. But she teases me about being with him. Calls him sexy smarty-pants…”

  She chuckled and handed the phone back. “She sounds like fun.”

  “She is. I’m dreading the moment when boys become a reality.”

  “I bet. She’s beautiful.”

  “I know…” I was full of both pride and dread.

  She drank a few sips from her coffee, her eyes down as she was thinking. “You know, I have an idea.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Derek struggles to have spontaneous conversations with people, as you know. But when he’s teaching or working on something, it’s a lot easier for him to communicate with people because that’s just how he thinks. So, if he were helping Lizzie with math homework or something like that, it would probably be less daunting to him. He would have something to talk about and be in an environment he’s familiar with. And hopefully, that would make them bond because he’d care about her grades and want to know her progress, just like he does at the university. Just an idea.”

  “Yeah, it’s a good idea.” When I pictured the three of us meeting over dinner for the first time, I imagined it would be incredibly awkward—for everyone. But when I pictured him sitting beside her at the dining table with the textbook open as they worked on problems together, it didn’t seem that odd. “I’ll talk to him about it.”

  “And can I add something else?” she asked. “Only because my husband and all my children are incredibly gifted and sometimes awkward… Maybe don’t tell Derek that’s what you’re trying to do. Just say your daughter is really struggling with her math or science homework and she’s just not getting it, and then let him take the bait. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t.”

  I nodded. “That’s probably smart.”

  “Does your daughter struggle with those things? Because if she doesn’t, then it might not work. You’d have to ask her to go along with it, which might be weird for her.”

  “No, she’s like me,” I said with a chuckle. “We aren’t good with numbers. She asks me to help with her studies now, and I always tell her she needs to learn how to figure it out on her own. But in reality, I just don’t know. She’s doing geometry right now. It went over my head at her age, and it still goes over my head.”

  She chuckled. “God, geometry. I hated that shit.”

  I laughed at her profanity.

  “Thankfully, my brainiac husband did all the tutoring throughout the years…except literature. Not his thing.”

  “I think Derek might go for it. But he’s already so busy as it is that I’m not sure how he would find the time.”

  She shrugged. “We make the time for things we care about. I’m sure having a girlfriend doesn’t exactly fit into his schedule, but he makes time for that.”

  Not really. We saw each other at work all day, and at the end of the day, we got it on in his bedroom, but we didn’t do other fun things like normal relationships. That wasn’t his fault. It was actually my fault because I had a daughter waiting for me. “Yeah…true.”

  3

  Derek

  I had so much shit to do with the new rover that I had to design, but I had to take a break from it and open my laptop.

  I sat at the dining table, the penthouse quiet because I didn’t listen to music or the TV while I worked. I preferred total silence because anything else was too distracting. I stared at the blank Word document that was untitled at the moment…because I didn’t know what to call it.

  I usually picked a title after I wrote the book, but I knew my publisher wanted that sooner rather than later. Why did I decide to publish that first book when I barely had time for anything else?

  I stared at the blinking cursor before I started to type.

  A minute later, Emerson texted me. Looking good…

  I stared at her message for a while before I picked up my phone and typed back. You can see me type?

  Yep. And I like what I’m seeing.

  I smiled as I heard her voice in my head, my personal cheerleader. She had been a total stranger months ago, but now she was the person who ran my life, pushed my boundaries, convinced me I could do anything.

  By the way…I’m still waiting for you to sign those books.

  I put them away because I couldn’t think of something good enough to say. But then I’d forgotten about them after I found out about Lizzie. They’d left my mind completely. Want to make sure they’re good enough for you.

  Just your autograph is good enough for me, Derek.

  I stared at her message and saw the dots disappear. I suddenly felt her absence hard in my chest, felt lonely in that penthouse by myself. I didn’t need her help anymore, but I wished she were seated at that table, like old times. Times like these made me frustrated with the parameters of our relationship, that I couldn’t have her in the evenings like other relationships. I never woke up to her beside me. We couldn’t really go anywhere.

  And it would probably be that way for a long time.

  I had to remind myself that I wasn’t the most important person in her life, that I would always be second best. That was how it should be.

  But it still sucked, nonetheless.

  Her message popped up. I’m sorry to interrupt you. Get back to it.

  I just miss you…is all.

  I stood at one of the tables with Jerome and Pierre, brainstorming the ideas we had for the new rover, the applications that would provide dramatic improvements to the vehicle that would be working on Mars for over a decade at least. “I have a question.”

  Jerome stood with his arm across his chest, looking at all the different applications on the table.

  Pierre glanced at me, still a little standoffish but much better than before. “Yeah?”

  “What if we come in later on Wednesdays?” It had nothing to do with the project we were working on at that moment, but it was sitting in the back of my mind, a problem that didn’t have a solution.

  Jerome lifted his chin and looked at me. “Like, we get to sleep in?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “We start at ten instead of eight. And we stay two hours later.” I could work until the wee hours of the night all I wanted, but I needed their contributions for stuff like this. If I could do it all by myself, I would, but I simply couldn’t.

  Jerome rubbed his chin. “Does this include free dinners?”

  “Sure.” I could have Emerson drop something off before she left for the day. And if a free meal sealed the deal, I didn’t care if the company paid for that.

  Pierre shrugged. “It would be nice to get a couple more hours of sleep on Wednesdays…and there’s no football that day of the week.”

  “I’m in,” Jerome said.

  “Me too,” Pierre said. “Especially since all my meals are comped.”

  Jerome turned back to me. “Why the schedule change?”

  I looked back at the schematics and stepped closer to the table. “I just have another obligation on Wednesday mornings.”

  “So, you want to start tomorrow?” Jerome asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “If that’s not too short of notice.”

  Pierre moved back to the table and started to jot down his notes. “Works for me.”

  I had a stack of all my notes beside me as I continued to work at the table. The guys had already left, so it was just me—like usual.

  The front door opened, and Emerson walked inside, a nice feminine touch to this industrial environment. The guys didn’t just like her because she was nice to look at, but because she brought us lunch and kept the place organized. It used to be a catastrophe in here.
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  She approached the table and looked at the stack. “Need copies of all these?”

  “If you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all.” She grabbed a crate and started to pile everything inside. “How many copies?”

  “Two. One for me. The other for the main office.”

  “Got it.” She continued to set everything inside, careful not to mess up the order. “I liked the chapters you wrote. I thought being a part of the writing process might ruin the story for me, but you’re that good of a writer.”

  She already had the job and she already had me, so her compliment was genuine, but even then, I didn’t know what to say in response. “I need you to schedule the housekeeper later tomorrow, and every Wednesday from this point forward.”

  She stopped stacking the papers in the crate so she could look at me. “Why?”

  “I want the penthouse to myself until ten.”

  “Oh…are you working from home?”

  “No.” I set down my pencil and abandoned my work for the evening. It was time to go home, enjoy the small window of time I had with her. “I thought we could get breakfast and spend some time together.”

  Emerson stared at me like she didn’t understand a word I said. “I don’t understand… You have work.”

  I shrugged. “I’d like to spend more time with you. And I know having a few hours in the evenings isn’t really an option for us, so…”

  “Derek… That’s so sweet, but I can’t let you lose those hours at work. I can work something out with my family to spend some extra time here later in the evenings. Please don’t rearrange your schedule for me.”

  “It’s just a few hours, baby. And the guys already said it was fine. We’ll work a couple hours later on Wednesday. I think they mostly agreed because they’d get dinner for free.” I smiled slightly because that was just how men were, me included.

  “You told them to work late so you could spend time with your girlfriend?” she asked incredulously.

  “I didn’t say it like that…”

  Guilt moved into her gaze, like she truly felt terrible for the change in my schedule. It was all happening because of her daughter, something she shouldn’t feel guilty about. She was just being a good mother, not running off with some guy and leaving her daughter to the care of her grandparents.