The Boy Who Has No Redemption Read online

  “Great. We’ll be there soon.”

  I opened the door and looked at Deacon and Cleo, who both stood there with presents in their arms, bundled up in their coats because it was freezing tonight. Seeing their faces made me feel better, but also made me feel worse in other ways. “Come in.”

  They stepped inside my small apartment. We had a little tree in the corner that was lit up with lights and ornaments, and the TV showed a classic Christmas movie.

  Lizzie came into the living room and looked at them both, but she also looked past them, like she expected Derek to appear. It was obvious that she was sad about Derek’s departure, that she missed him even though she was angry with him for hurting me. It was exactly what I didn’t want to happen, for my daughter to get attached to someone who wouldn’t be around forever.

  I would never forgive Derek for that.

  “Hey, Lizzie.” Deacon placed the presents under the tree then bent to embrace Lizzie. “Merry Christmas.” He opened his arms and held her close, giving her a long hug.

  Lizzie closed her eyes as she held him.

  Cleo set down the presents then turned to me, heartbreak in her eyes, like she hurt for me, hurt for herself, and hurt for her son.

  Deacon pulled away and rubbed her arms. “Happy to be out of school?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I love Christmastime.” She continued to talk to him.

  Cleo opened her arms then came closer to me. “Honey…”

  I moved into her embrace and closed my eyes, doing my best not to cry, to accept her warmth as a gift rather than a painful goodbye. I squeezed her tightly and felt the loss, felt what else I was losing besides Derek.

  “I’m so sorry about all this.” She squeezed me before she let me go.

  I couldn’t bring myself to talk, so I gave a nod.

  “I got you guys something.” She opened her purse and pulled out hot cocoa mix and the same marshmallows she’d had at the cabin. “I know how much Lizzie loves them.”

  I took them from her hand and nodded. “Thank you.”

  Deacon finished talking to Lizzie then came to me.

  Cleo switched and moved to greet Lizzie. “Hey, honey. You look even prettier than the last time I saw you.”

  Deacon dropped his smile and gave me a painful look, like he could feel what I felt, like he was so kind that he could feel the pain of others. He gave me more compassion than his own son did. He moved into me and gave me a warm embrace, holding me the way my father held me, giving me love without saying it. He rubbed my back before he pulled away. “I’ll talk to him.”

  I shook my head. “It’s okay… It’s over.”

  His eyes narrowed. “We’ll talk about it later. For now, let’s open some presents and make some hot cocoa.”

  I nodded. “That sounds so nice.” My eyes started to well up.

  His eyes softened in a brand-new way, and he moved his hand to my shoulder and gave me a comforting squeeze. “It’ll be alright, sweetheart. I love my son very much, but he’s not worth your pain.”

  Lizzie drank three cups of hot cocoa, opened all her gifts, and had a great night. Even without Derek there, she perked up and smiled, so happy to spend time with Deacon and Cleo because she had her own relationship with them.

  When the night deepened and she got sleepy, she said goodbye to both of them with a hug then went to bed.

  Deacon and Cleo stayed at the dining table with their mugs, like they intended to have a conversation about Derek before they left, even though it was almost ten in the evening and tomorrow was Christmas Eve.

  I sat across from them and sighed. “I don’t know what happened… It was just everything. He told me about his mom, about that voice mail he left, and then the heart attack she had afterward…the rocket… And then he was upset about something I did…”

  “What did you do?” Cleo asked gently.

  It was a little awkward, but I just told them the truth. “Derek and I share documents between our computers because I edit his books. He didn’t realize he’d shared a private document with me, a story he wrote about me, and I read it…and never told him. When he figured it out, he was really upset. Said I violated his privacy. I did, but I didn’t mean any harm by it. And then I hadn’t told him about Lizzie until after he told me how he felt about me, and he thought that was a betrayal too.”

  Deacon dropped his gaze. “Nothing that can’t be forgiven.”

  “Well, he feels differently,” I whispered.

  “And then he just…ended it?” Cleo asked.

  “No. It seemed like he could get past that. I asked if he wanted to end things, and he said no. Then we went to Ryan’s rehearsal dinner, and everything seemed fine. But I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he’d punched one guy until he was unconscious, and some girl was there, and then he just stormed out…and dumped me in the stairwell. That’s the gist of it.”

  Deacon closed his eyes and sighed. “Jesus.”

  Cleo reacted the same way, pressing her lips tightly together like she pictured the scene I’d just described.

  “I asked him about it in the stairwell, but he wouldn’t answer me. Just said he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I’m standing there sobbing, and he’s just devoid of all emotion.”

  Cleo shook her head.

  “I gave him some space for about ten days, assuming he would come to his senses after this…thing…passed. But he acted like I didn’t exist at work, didn’t talk to me, as if I were the one who’d done something, and when I finally confronted him, he acted like he couldn’t care less about me…and just wanted me to stop talking.” The last few weeks had been the hardest in my entire life. I was so heartbroken—more than heartbroken, but there wasn’t a word to describe it. “He’s a different person. It’s like the first day I met him, when he was rude, indifferent, cold…empty. He’s smart enough to build a time machine, so I feel like he succeeded and now I’m living in the past.”

  Deacon was quiet for a long time, staring at the surface of the table, his mug of hot cocoa cold because he didn’t really touch it. He moved his elbows to the surface and started to slouch, as if the weight of the situation were on his shoulders, when his son’s romance wasn’t his problem. “I think that’s exactly what happened, minus the time machine.”

  “The stress triggered him, and he went back to who he became ten years ago,” Cleo said. “All that progress…lost. Everything you did for him…gone.” She dropped her gaze, heartbroken. “This is just terrible.”

  “What happened ten years ago?” They wouldn’t tell me last time I asked because it was Derek’s business and not theirs, but I felt like he’d given up his privacy when he’d decided to be cruel.

  Deacon looked at his wife.

  She looked at him, gave a nod, and then turned back to me. “Derek was engaged.”

  My eyes narrowed because I didn’t expect that. I couldn’t picture him being that committed to anyone…except me. “Oh…”

  “He asked his high school sweetheart to marry him after college,” Deacon said. “They’ve known each other since grade school. We have hundreds of pictures of her in photo albums. Derek had a good group of friends that stayed close all through school and even when they went to different colleges. Kevin was his best friend. He used to tag along to everything with us. He was a part of our family. Loved him like a son.” Deacon shook his head. “But at Derek’s rehearsal dinner, Kevin and Tabitha were talking privately in the stairwell inside the building…and Derek overheard them.”

  “Oh no…” I knew where this was going.

  “Tabitha wanted to come clean about their hookups to Derek, but Kevin said they shouldn’t because it would only cause harm. They weren’t sleeping together anymore, it was over, so it wouldn’t help anything.” Cleo gave a long sigh. “Derek heard all of that and went back to the party and took a seat, processing all of it.”

  “I knew something was wrong,” Deacon said. “I could see it on his face.”

  “
Tabitha and Kevin returned,” Cleo continued. “We had dinner, and then when it came time to make toasts…Derek lost it. He told everyone what had happened, and when Kevin stood up to talk to Derek, he knocked him out. He stormed out afterward…and that was it.”

  “Ryan and Camille stayed friends with them, so they must have been at the wedding,” Deacon said. “It would have been the first time Derek had seen or heard from either of them in a decade.”

  “Oh my god.” Now it all made sense. “Every time Derek had to do something for the wedding, he was always in a really sour mood. Now I know why. Because he had to see Kevin.” Despite the way Derek had hurt me, I felt so terrible for him, imagining him having to experience that kind of betrayal and humiliation, to know that the two people he loved most stabbed him in the back like that.

  “It’s hard to believe, but Derek used to be a really upbeat, kind, trusting person,” Deacon said. “He was affectionate, sweet, open, and vulnerable. And then that happened, and he just… It changed his entire foundation. He never recovered. He never…came back.”

  “Until you,” Cleo said. “We started to get him back. We were so happy that he found you, that he was happy again, that he was finally able to trust somebody again.”

  Now I understood why he was so sensitive to my shortcomings. My actions weren’t egregious, but they were enough to make him uncomfortable, to make him question things. And then seeing the people who’d scarred him just made everything worse. “I wish he had told me this.”

  “It’s really hard for him,” Cleo said. “It still eats away at him …clearly.”

  “Yeah.” Now I understood why he spent the last decade having meaningless flings and going to stupid parties. I understood why he was an asshole, because he refused to feel anything. He threw himself into work, the only thing he would allow himself to care about. When shit hit the fan, he went back to that, stopped caring about everything—even me.

  “We’ll talk to him,” Deacon said. “We’ll figure this out.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do. It took me six months to get him to that level in the first place, and I don’t think it can happen again. And even if it could, I don’t think I’d even try because he would just go backward the second there’s a bump in the road. That trust is broken. He hurt me. There’s no going back now. It’s been too long. I told him I wouldn’t wait around for him and he shouldn’t take too long to come to his senses, and that fell on deaf ears.” I looked down into my mug. “I loved that man with everything I had. He’s the love of my life—he’ll always be the love of my life. He was a blessing for both Lizzie and me. But…he’s gone. That man doesn’t exist anymore. I’m sorry, but he’s not coming back.”

  5

  Derek

  It was Christmas Eve morning when Dad texted me. We’re here to pick you up.

  My eyebrows furrowed as I read the message. I wasn’t even at my home right now. I was at the warehouse outside the city. I thought I was driving up alone?

  If you were driving up alone, you would be home right now, wouldn’t you?

  Fuck. He knew.

  We’ll be here when you get back.

  “Jesus.” I packed up my stuff and drove back to the city, taking almost an hour because traffic was crazy since everyone was traveling right now. I parked in the underground garage then rode the elevator to my floor. When I approached the door, I knew they were inside, so I didn’t bother to put the key in the lock.

  It was already unlocked.

  With my satchel over my shoulder, I stepped inside my home, seeing my dad sitting on the couch. Mom was in the kitchen, cooking. He leaned back against the cushions, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, his elbow on the armrest and his knuckles propped against his cheek. He gave me a look I couldn’t describe because I’d never seen it before.

  Mom didn’t say something cheery from the kitchen. She just kept working.

  Dad didn’t greet me either. He didn’t rise from the couch and embrace me. He didn’t say Merry Christmas.

  I sighed before I set my satchel on the end table and stripped off my jacket and laid it on top. “I haven’t even packed, so you guys should go ahead—”

  “Sit.” My dad was not in the mood for my excuses.

  I felt like a boy again. It was like I’d broken the rules I knew weren’t supposed to be broken. There was no way to get out of it, so I moved to the other couch and sat across from him. It was best just to get this over with, to rip off the bandage and move on. The sounds of pots and pans in use were still audible from the kitchen as Mom continued to make me something before we got on the road.

  Dad repositioned himself so he sat at the edge of the couch with his hands together, his forearms resting on his knees. He was in a dark green sweater and black jeans, his scruff thick because he stopped shaving once he wasn’t required to go into the office. He stared at me with hard eyes, showing a hint of ferocity. “Anything you’d like to tell me?”

  I clenched my jaw slightly then chewed the inside of my cheek as I considered the question. “No. Because it’s obvious you already know everything…since you went behind my back and got involved in something that’s absolutely none of your business.” I knew he just cared, but I was a grown man, and I didn’t need my father to be involved in my love life.

  He didn’t have an overt reaction, but the subtle change in his eyes showed how irritated that response made him. “I wouldn’t have to do that if my son didn’t lie to me. I wouldn’t have to ask anyone else about my son’s well-being if my son would just be transparent with me. We’ve been nothing but supportive of you since forever, so why do you continue to hide from us?”

  I stared at the floor.

  “I asked you a question.”

  I lifted my gaze and looked at him. “Again. None of your business.”

  His eyebrows slowly furrowed in offense. “No, your love life isn’t my business. But destroying your life piece by piece—damn right, that’s my business. Being an ass and trying to push me away like you did with everyone else isn’t going to work on me, so how about we just cut the shit?”

  I stilled because he’d never spoken to me like that before.

  He kept up his hard gaze, staring me down as if we were enemies rather than father and son.

  The noises from the kitchen stopped, like she was done cooking and now she just listened.

  He still didn’t blink. “Let’s try this again.”

  I absorbed his harsh gaze into my skin, feeling like I was on trial. “It just wasn’t working. That’s it. I didn’t want to be in that relationship anymore, so I ended it.”

  “Derek, don’t do this.” He shook his head. “You’re going to regret it.”

  “It’s been three weeks, and I still don’t regret it. So…”

  “It’ll hit you when you least expect it. Trust me, I know.”

  I shifted my gaze away.

  “Your mother did something I didn’t like, and it made me uncomfortable. Instead of being a man and working out our problems like couples do, I left her. While my back was turned, her world fell apart. I abandoned her when she needed me most. That’s not what men do. They don’t turn their backs on the women they love. Don’t make my mistakes, Derek.”

  “It’s not the same thing.”

  “Because you were just looking for an excuse. Yes, I figured that out.”

  I looked at him again.

  His voice dropped, softened. “I understand things have stacked up against you recently. It’s a lot for anyone to handle. It’s understandable. But sabotaging the best thing in your life is not the answer. I’m sorry about your rocket. I know how personally you’ve taken it. I’m sorry about Valerie, but that still wasn’t your fault. She had a heart attack because she was a heavy drinker and popped prescription pills, according to the autopsy. If it didn’t happen then, it would have happened later, whether it was in weeks, months, or a year. And Kevin and Tabitha…” He shook his head. “I can’t eve
n imagine how difficult that was for you. I admire you for putting aside your feelings and being there for Ryan. That was commendable. But it’s just a bad time right now. Pushing away the woman who loves you for you is not the answer.”

  “Dad, I’ve listened to everything you’ve said. But it doesn’t change the way I feel.” I wasn’t in the same place I used to be. I was sick of all the bullshit in life, and living a life of numbness made far more sense. I simply wasn’t the same person anymore. “I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be with Emerson anymore. I just want to be alone.” It had worked for me for the last ten years, and I wasn’t sure why I’d changed everything in the first place.

  My dad’s expression slowly changed, turning into a stark look of disappointment. “Derek—”

  “I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve listened to you with an open mind. But it doesn’t change the way I feel.” I knew what my dad wanted, but that didn’t mean I had to want it. “You and Mom are perfect together, and that’s great. But that’s not for everybody.”

  “But it’s for you—with Emerson.”

  I shook my head. “I never want to get married.” I would never make a commitment to a woman as long as I lived. I was rich and good-looking, and even when I got to my sixties, I could still get young, attractive women without issue.

  “Maybe you should see a therapist to work out these issues—”

  “Not wanting to be in a relationship means there’s something wrong with me?” I asked incredulously. “You’re being very closed-minded.”

  “No. I just know you deserve more—”

  “But I don’t want it. I’m sorry that I hurt you, Emerson. Really, I am. But that’s just how it goes sometimes.”

  He cocked an eyebrow as he looked at me. “That’s just how it goes?”