The Boy Who Has No Redemption Page 4

  “I got my heart broken. It happens to all of us.”

  He didn’t say anything, but he shook his head slightly, more to himself than to me.

  “Are we done with this conversation?” I wanted to move on, to get on with my life, to forget about this trial period where I attempted to be something better and it blew up in my face.

  Dad rubbed his palms together as he stared at them, taking a long pause as he organized his thoughts before he shared them with me. “Derek, this is the most important thing I’m going to say to you. I hope you take it seriously. And after I say it, I’ll leave it alone.”

  “Alright.” Finally, the end.

  He lifted his chin and looked me in the eye. “I really believe that Emerson is the best person for you if you want to spend your life with someone who really understands you, accepts you for who you are, who will never betray you the way Tabitha and Kevin did. But you fucked up with her pretty bad, and the love that was once unconditional is waning…fading. If you don’t do something soon—as in, today—you’re going to forfeit any chance of making this right forever. You’re going to lose her for good, and no number of apologies will ever earn her trust again. I’m afraid you’re going to wake up from this sometime in the future…but it’ll be too late. I don’t want to watch you go through that, to have another regret in your life that will haunt you forever. So…please…really think about this.”

  I didn’t need to spend another minute thinking about it. I knew how I felt the moment I ended things with her. I didn’t need self-reflection. What was done was done. “I’ll go pack my things, and we’ll get on the road.”

  It was obvious that everyone in the family knew about my situation. No one asked about Emerson, they steered clear of hot topics like the rocket and the wedding, and everyone treated me as if I were a fragile vase that would shatter if it weren’t handled carefully.

  Grandma mostly talked about the events in her life, and Uncle Tucker told me about his time at the hotel. He was the corporate manager now, so he mainly dealt with paperwork rather than the daily activities of the hotel, which he missed.

  They talked about themselves instead of asking about me.

  On Christmas Eve, my cousins had their kids open some presents, so we sat together in the living room and watched them rip through the wrapping paper and exclaim in delight when they got toys. We drank wine and hot cocoa while the tree twinkled in the corner and the TV showed a marathon of Christmas movies.

  As the night progressed, people filed off to bed, the night deepening until it was two in the morning. I was the last one in the living room, looking at the window with my eyes narrowed because I was certain I spotted something.

  Snow.

  I left my wineglass behind and stepped outside onto the back deck.

  Flakes of snow slowly drifted down from the dark sky, landing on the ground and quickly melting because there wasn’t enough powder accumulated to keep it cold. But then it started to fall harder, plastering the ground with a blanket of white.

  “Wow, snow on Christmas Eve.” Dex appeared beside me, wearing his thick coat with his hands in his pockets. “All that wine isn’t going to keep me warm. Maybe I should have chosen the hot cocoa instead.”

  I watched the snow fall, listening to the absolute silence that accompanied winter. My breath started to emerge as thick vapor, two streams coming from my nostrils. I’d left my jacket inside and only wore my sweater, but the cold temperature was nice on my warm skin.

  “Everyone wants a white Christmas,” Dex said. “Nice, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  He stood beside me for a long time, just watching the snow fall.

  “How’s the hospital?”

  “It gets quiet before Christmas. Surgeries aren’t scheduled because doctors go on vacation, and patients don’t want to recover over Christmas either. It’s the only time of year I can really take a break because I know I’m not missing anything.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “I read your new book.”

  “Yeah? You seem too busy to read.”

  “Not if my brother is the author. And I think it’s the best one in the series.”

  “Best?”

  “Yeah. I felt like your writing deepened, became more emotional, just had this existential touch that I can’t really explain. But it was your best work, hands down. And based on the reviews I’ve seen, I’m not the only one who thinks it.”

  I continued to stare at the snow.

  “You think it’ll be a show or a movie or something?”

  I shrugged. “No idea. Maybe.”

  “So, I know I’m supposed to give you your present tomorrow, but I thought I’d give it to you now. Is that cool?”

  “Sure.”

  He went back inside and retrieved it before he handed it to me.

  It was a light, rectangular item. I ripped through the wrapping and stuffed it into my pocket before I examined the picture frame that held a photo of the two of us at my book signing. We looked so much alike but still had obvious differences.

  “I don’t expect you to put it on your nightstand or anything, but it better be in a good spot.”

  “I’ll put it in the living room.” I turned to him. “Thanks, man.”

  “Sure.” He gave me a one-armed hug. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Yeah… Merry Christmas.” I looked at the picture again before I held it down at my side.

  We were quiet for a long time, just enjoying the snow, the silence, the stillness that only came once a year.

  “So…” He gave a sigh that made his breath come out as a long stream of vapor. “Dad told us not to mention it, but…you know me. I never listen to him. You doing alright? You seem a bit…somber.”

  “I’m fine.” It was my answer to everything, well-rehearsed.

  “Yeah? Because you talked about Emerson like she was the love of your life…and you’re obviously hers.”

  “Sometimes relationships don’t work out, Dex.”

  “But that wasn’t the case, right? You just snapped.”

  I turned to him, surprised he was so blunt about it. “Maybe you should take Dad’s advice.”

  “Yeah, I probably should. But I care too much about you to do that. I sat there and told you I never wanted to settle down, and you proceeded to tell me I was wrong, that I would find someone—”

  “And I was wrong, Dex. Is that what you want me to say?” Everyone was probably asleep inside the house, so I kept my voice down even though I didn’t want to. “I was fucking wrong. There you go.”

  He shook his head. “No, that’s not what I want you to say, Derek.”

  “You’re going to be a rich surgeon in Manhattan. Spend your money on booze and your time on women. That’s my advice to you.”

  “What did Emerson do—”

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why did you do this to her?”

  I slowly turned my gaze back to him.

  “She seemed like the real deal, man. It seemed like you both were really happy. Seeing your ex really affected you that much? Why didn’t you just go in there with your woman and not give a damn about her? That’s what you should have done.”

  “Shut up, Dex.”

  His eyebrows rose high up his face. “If you weren’t my brother, I’d punch you in the face right now.”

  “Punch me. I don’t give a damn. It’s so fucking cold that I won’t feel it anyway.”

  “No.” He turned to walk back inside. “You’re so fucking cold that you won’t feel it.”

  6

  Emerson

  It was my worst Christmas. There was this constant pain in my chest that never stopped throbbing, and my eyes were so sensitive that they could shed tears at any unexpected moment. When I was alone in my bedroom, I let the tears flow and then popped a few pills to stop the migraine before it took full control.

  The breakup was a lot harder than it would have been in any other scenario because it didn’t feel like Derek h
ad just dumped me.

  It was like he died.

  He didn’t even exist anymore. The beautiful man underneath became consumed by the hard outer shell. Now, he was a very different version of the man he used to be, like a ghost that still lingered behind while his soul had passed to the other side.

  I needed the salary to keep up my lifestyle, but I didn’t think I could continue to work for Derek indefinitely. Time would pass and it might get easier, but it would never be easy enough that I would stop dreading going to work in the morning. I would always be eager for the day to end so I could go home and not hear his voice or see his face. I rarely interacted with him now, but even then, that was too hard.

  I worked in all the places where we’d had beautiful moments—where we made love on the couch, ate burgers at the table and had one of our deep talks, when he almost fired his other assistant because she treated me less than what I deserved. Just being in my bedroom was hard because we used to make love quietly but effectively.

  I wanted to move to another fucking state and start over.

  But Lizzie and my parents were the light of my life, making Christmas special, doing their best to make me smile and feel loved.

  Even though I’d lost the love of my life, I still had my family.

  I was so grateful for that.

  It was the eve of going back to work, and I was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, while the anxiety started to pound in my chest.

  My phone vibrated with a text. Hey, Emerson. This is Dex Hamilton. I got your number from my parents. I hope you don’t mind. I know we only met a couple times, but you and Lizzie were awesome, and I’m gonna miss having you around. My brother is just being an ass…and I don’t get it. Anyway, you deserve someone really great, and I hope you find someone who actually deserves you. Take care.

  Reading his message made my eyes water because I would miss his family so much. It was like losing my own family. They were all so kind and so warm. Thank you, Dex. We’re going to miss you too.

  “Mom?” Lizzie must have spotted my reaction from the couch.

  I lifted my gaze and looked at her. “Dex texted me. Said he’s going to miss us.”

  “Oh…he was really cool.”

  “Yeah, he was.” I put my phone aside.

  “Do you think you’ll get another job?” she asked.

  I nodded. “I tried to apply to a couple places, but no one is hiring over the holidays, unfortunately. When people go back to work tomorrow, I’ll start looking again.” I would take my time with it because I really wanted a position that paid what Derek paid, or maybe a little less. I wanted to save up and buy a house outside the city so we wouldn’t be crammed into this small apartment anymore. I could commute to work so Lizzie could have more space, and my parents could have a garden to take care of.

  “I’m sure you’ll get something. I just don’t want you to work there anymore.”

  “Lizzie, it’s fine. It’s still a good job.”

  “I know, but…” She shrugged.

  This horrible event had brought out the best qualities Lizzie possessed. She was affectionate, caring, thoughtful…it was great.

  “I also wanted you to know that…you don’t have to wait until I’m out of the house before you start dating again. I’m okay with you seeing guys and having your own life. I know it didn’t work out with him, but he made you really happy…for a time. You should find that again, just with someone better.”

  I found it hard to believe there was a guy better than Derek Hamilton out there. They would just be disappointments. “Thanks, Lizzie. I’m not really in that place right now, but maybe someday.”

  The weeks passed, and Derek and I barely interacted.

  I stayed in the office and organized things around the guys, like I wasn’t even there, and Derek never made conversation with me. He never asked how I was doing. He never asked about Lizzie. His indifference was so painful. He used to care about me so deeply, but now I was just…insignificant to him.

  How could someone be so cold?

  But maybe his blunt indifference would make it easier for me to move on, to keep my anger to help me get over him. Then when I changed jobs, the last memory I would have of him was of his being an ass, and I would forget about him easier.

  Lizzie’s grades started to fall without Derek as her tutor, and she took it pretty hard. She hid her sadness as best she could so I wouldn’t be hurt, but I knew it bothered her. She reverted to her old ways, choosing not to care about school as a coping mechanism.

  Our lives deteriorated without Derek, as much as I hated to admit it.

  There were rare times when I actually had to talk to Derek, and every time those happened, I felt sick to my stomach. It was like torture, being reminded of his callousness. I would always care about him, so it did hurt to see him descend into emptiness because he was so damaged by everything that he didn’t know how else to cope with it. But I was too heartbroken to care about him more than myself…like I used to. There was no excuse for what he’d done to me, for the way he’d thrown me away to protect himself.

  When I set the food on the table, Jerome and Pierre walked over to grab their items.

  Derek was far in the back, working on his prototype for the rover.

  “You look really nice today,” Pierre said as he looked at me with affection in his eyes.

  “Yeah,” Jerome said in agreement. “How’s your day going?”

  The guys were so kind to me, going out of their way to make me feel better, to make up for Derek’s horrendous behavior. “Thanks. I’m good. What about you?” They probably saw the emptiness in my eyes every single day and tried to cheer me up. It was really sweet.

  After they finished eating, they went back to work.

  I stayed there because I had to talk to Derek.

  He eventually finished whatever he was doing and walked over, and even though I stood right there at the table, he hardly looked at me. “Yes?”

  “Don’t fucking yes me.” I was sick of his attitude, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just snapped. “You don’t want to treat me like a human being on a personal level, fine. But I’m your assistant, and I deserve to have some kind of professional courtesy. So, knock this shit off and be a good person. Surely, you can do that.”

  He stilled at my outburst, blinking as he stared at me, as if he hadn’t anticipated my scathing remarks. “Alright.”

  “So, let’s try this again.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  He stared at me blankly again before he found a better response. “How can I help you, Emerson?”

  “Much better. Geez, was that so damn hard?” I was so disappointed in this man, not just as a lover, but as a person. “Did you still want to move forward with the internship program? I’ve got all the documents ready, but I assume you’ve had a change of heart about that…since you tend to have a change of heart about a lot of things.” I couldn’t resist the jab. I couldn’t contain my anger. I’d begun to loathe this man.

  He took a long pause as he considered the request. “No. Let’s do it.”

  “Alright.” I turned away.

  “Has Lizzie gone back to school?”

  I turned back around and regarded him coldly. I couldn’t believe he’d mentioned my daughter as he hadn’t done that once since he’d dumped me—in a fucking stairwell.

  When I didn’t answer, he spoke again. “I can still tutor her.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because I committed to it. The internship is designed to train future generations. She falls into that category.”

  Would he have mentioned her if I didn’t bring up the internship program?

  “But I can only do it once a week now. We’ll do Thursdays.”

  I wanted to tell him to fuck off and eat shit, but I knew Lizzie was slipping in her classes, and getting another tutor wasn’t so easy, not when he was the best. I hated that I needed him for the income, but I was working to fix tha
t. I hated that I needed him to tutor my daughter too. But I would do anything for her, do anything to ensure she had a bright future, and working directly with Derek Hamilton was the best education she was ever going to have, so I would put aside my rage for her. “Alright.”

  Lizzie and I ate together at the dinner table. January was almost over and February in place. I made pot roast because it was easy. I just threw everything into the slow cooker before work and then let it cook all day.

  She was still sensitive to my feelings because she could feel how sad I was. She continued to help around the house and spend time with me.

  “Derek wants to tutor you again.”

  She dropped her fork into her bowl and looked up at me. “Huh?”

  “I talked to him today. He’s doing an internship program at the company and wants to keep helping you, but he said only on Thursdays.”

  “You’re kidding me.”

  “No.”

  She made a disgusted face. “Fuck that.”

  “Lizzie!” I couldn’t believe she let those words fly out of her mouth. The occasional cuss word slipped out, but it was never so egregious.

  “I don’t even care, Mom. I don’t want his help. He can take his help and shove it up his—”

  “Lizzie. Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you can talk like that. Express yourself differently.”

  “Sure. But not with him. I don’t want him to tutor me.”

  “Your grades are falling—”

  “Then let them fall. Look, I’ll find another tutor. There’s gotta be somebody else out there who can teach eighth-grade math besides that asshole.”

  I gave up on berating her.

  “No. He’s the last person on this planet I would ever accept help from.” She shook her head then dug her fork out of her bowl before cleaning it off with her napkin. Then she started to eat again, still wearing a disgruntled look.

  I wanted my daughter to get the best education, but in that moment, it meant a lot more that she was so loyal to me, that she couldn’t care less about Derek Hamilton.