The Doctor Who Has No Ambition (Soulless Book 9) Page 5

  I knew that wasn’t the only reason. I made good money working for Mom, but it still wasn’t a fortune when the rent in New York City was so expensive. I was definitely the poorest person in the family, living in a regular apartment now instead of a nice penthouse, but that didn’t bother me at all. “Well, thanks.”

  He tossed the phone aside then twisted off the cap to his beer.

  I did the same.

  He took a drink of his beer but didn’t reach for the remote.

  It was on the other side of him on the coffee table, so I couldn’t reach it. I waited for him to grab it, but he didn’t.

  Oh fuck. I knew what was coming. “What is it?”

  Dad brought his hands together in his lap and looked down at the rug underneath our feet for a moment.

  “You’re freaking me out, Dad.” The last time he was like this was when Mom got sick, and I really couldn’t go through something like that again. After that happened, I never took either one of them for granted again.

  “Everything is okay,” he said quietly. “Nothing like that.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from releasing a relieved sigh.

  “I want to talk about you.”

  “Me?” I asked incredulously. “What about me? My devilish good looks? Mom wants to make me the employee of the month? Is it—”

  “Stop with the jokes. You’re compensating, and we both know it.” He raised his chin and looked at me, slightly angry, like my behavior actually annoyed him. “You think you’re fooling everyone with this act, but you’re not.”

  I went quiet, and for the first time in my life, I really didn’t know what to say.

  He faced forward again and closed his eyes, immediately remorseful of his harshness. “Son, you’re a surgeon. You aren’t some replaceable staff member at the concierge desk. I know everything that happened traumatized you and you needed some time—”

  “I’m not a surgeon.” I spoke with defeat, my tone lifeless now because I was forced to think about the things I didn’t want to think about. I was forced to acknowledge a past I’d done my best to erase. “That’s not who I am anymore. I’m happy working here.”

  “You. Are. A. Surgeon.”

  I turned away, trying my hardest not to yell at my father, the man I admired most in this world. “Not anymore.” Catherine took me to court, took half my money, barely looked me in the eye as she did it, and I was never the same. I wasn’t sure what killed me more—losing her or losing her father on the table. Everything changed that day. I closed up my office, canceled all my appointments despite the pleas of my patients, and I asked my mom for a job because there was nothing I was interested in. Everyone in the family tried to talk me out of it, but I refused to listen. Dad and Derek protested letting me work for the concierge team, but Mom allowed it to happen. She seemed to be the only one who understood there was no going back. “I’m sorry that you’re disappointed in me, that I’m not the world’s best heart surgeon anymore, that I’m just some guy who works at a job—”

  “That’s not how I feel, Dex. At all.”

  “Well, that’s who I am now, so don’t try to change me.”

  He released a heavy sigh as he faced forward. “Dex, even if that’s true, this isn’t who you are either. You have a moral obligation to use your brilliance to help people. You’re wasting your potential by updating laptops and whatever nonsense some guy at the tech store could do. Your brother sends rockets into space to further humankind’s exploration of the universe. I save as many lives as I can and think of methods of doing that in ways other people haven’t considered. I don’t save all of my patients, and yes, that fucking hurts. It’s devastating every single time. I’ve cried in my office and stayed late because it was too hard to come home. But that doesn’t erase the positive impact I have on so many people, those who either moved into remission and had an extra ten years on this earth, or those who completely beat the cancer. Dex, there are people out there who need you to do the impossible surgeries others can’t take on. You have a duty to these people.”

  I stared at the floor and felt a mixture of a lot of things—guilt, pain, dread. In my heart, I knew my father was right, but I just couldn’t do it.

  “You’ve been through a lot, so you needed some time to work through those problems. That’s okay. But this is not the long-term solution. You’re one of a kind, one of the few people who can make the impossible possible. Think of the people who needed you this last year but didn’t get your care. That is far worse than losing Allen, when that was not your fault—”

  “Dad, stop.”

  He went quiet and stared at the side of my face.

  “That’s not me anymore. Period.”

  He shook his head slightly. “Dex, I couldn’t care less what my kids do with their lives. If you wanted to be a grocery store clerk, your mother and I wouldn’t blink an eye over it. That’s not why I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because you’re allowing someone to sabotage the rest of your life. I’m disappointed that you’re too afraid to do what you really want. I’m disappointed that you’ve hung up your cape—and have chosen to let people die.”

  “Don’t fucking say that to me.” I rose from the couch and stepped away, not wanting to be close to my father anymore. The anger was consuming me, like a black hole that just kept pulling at me, letting nothing escape. “You have no idea—”

  “I’m sorry about what happened, Dex. It was wrong, and Catherine’s a fucking bitch for doing that to you.” He was on his feet, staring me down like an assailant rather than his son.

  All I could do was stare because I’d never heard my father say anything like that before.

  “She didn’t know how to process her grief, so she took it out on you, which is fucking bullshit. How could she possibly put the blame on you when you’re the best of the best? Making you carry the weight of his death is unacceptable. She completely ignored the fact that Allen ate like shit, didn’t exercise, and let his heart get that bad on his own. It had nothing to do with you. He wouldn’t have needed the surgery in the first place if he just took care of himself. How dare she put that on you.” The skin of his face started to tint red, the vein in his forehead bulging because he was livid. He never expressed anger like this, was always happy since I could remember, but this explosion told me he’d kept this bottled inside for a very long time. “She lost someone she loved, but so did you, and instead of being there for you, she chose to abandon you. It’s weak. It’s pathetic. She never deserved the Hamilton name, and I’m glad she doesn’t have it anymore.”

  There was a very small part of me that was almost offended, like I needed to defend her from the horrific things my father said, and that sensation told me I wasn’t quite over what happened. I’d been divorced for almost a year, had lovers come and go, had moved on with my life, but a small part of me still missed that relationship. I became nostalgic about it sometimes, especially when I saw happy couples because at one point in time, that had been me. The years I was married were the best of my life. Sharing my days with someone like that, loving her with my whole heart couldn’t compare to single life.

  I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way again.

  I couldn’t picture myself ever getting married again.

  I couldn’t even picture myself with a girlfriend.

  Dad shifted his gaze away and took a moment of silence to calm his anger, to move his hands to his hips and let the rage dissolve in his blood. “You continue to let her have power over you. Don’t.”

  “It’s not about her—”

  “It is about her. You’ve lost patients before, Dex.”

  But I’d never really felt responsible—until my wife made me responsible.

  “Derek has a great therapist you can talk to.”

  “Like that will make a difference,” I said bitterly.

  “We need to try.” He stepped closer to me, dropping his arms to his sides. “We need to work past this. You’re too young, too brilliant, to throw eve
rything away. Catherine wasn’t the right one. There is a woman out there who will love you unconditionally, even in tragedy, and you need to find her. You know what happened in my first marriage. You know what happened with Derek and Tabitha. Look at us now. We’re both happily married, with women who would do anything for us in a heartbeat. You will find that.”

  I dropped my gaze and stared at the floor. “I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about anyone. Catherine is the only woman I’ve ever loved. I just…I can’t picture that happening.”

  “You can’t picture it right now. But when you’re in a better place, you will. And the first step to getting to a better place is getting your life back. Reopen your practice. Help people. Reclaim your identity.”

  I couldn’t picture opening up someone on the table, the fluorescent lights bright above me, the monitor beeping quietly next to me. I couldn’t picture myself asking for tools from the nurses, running the operating room like nothing had happened. All I would be able to think about was Allen drawing his last breath. “That’s not gonna happen.”

  “Dex—”

  “Dad.” I held up my hand so he wouldn’t launch another argument. “Objectively, I understand that walking away isn’t the right call. But what you need to understand is that I’m a different person now. Allen and I had a close relationship, and I remember the night I asked if I could marry his daughter like it was yesterday. It was like losing a member of my own family. And then the love of my life left me…without looking back. I’m just not the same person anymore. I can’t force myself to be that guy. Just a few weeks before his surgery, she and I were trying to start a family.” Sometimes it was hard to see Derek with his kids because that could have been me if I’d never operated on Allen. If that hadn’t happened, I would still have my life, a wife I loved, kids that I loved even more. “I lost everything in a single day, including myself. I just hope you can respect that and accept me as I am.”

  He stared at me for a long time, dark brown eyes that still shone with youth and intelligence. He still struggled to communicate sometimes, but it was rare, at least when it came to us. Whenever he dealt with someone he didn’t know well, he was back to his usual silence. “I do accept you exactly as you are, son. But I will always believe in you, and your mother and I both believe that you’ll come back from this and be the man you were destined to be. I will never, ever give up on you.”

  6

  Dex

  Once I finished feeding all the wires through the wall of the entertainment center, I pushed the furniture back to block it. All the consoles were hooked up and ready, all the ugly wires in the rear invisible, and I set the new laptop on the coffee table, which had all the parental controls activated. I locked the door behind me and walked out.

  In the hallway, the new girl stood there, holding a piece of paper in front of her like it was a treasure map. She had long brown hair pulled back in a slick ponytail, and it was so long that it still reached past her tits. Like my mom, she wore dresses and heels, and she probably hated the attire as much as the other girls did. I couldn’t imagine working all day in heels. “You look like you need help.” I walked toward her down the hallway as I shoved the keys into my pocket.

  She lifted her gaze and looked at me, having beautiful emerald eyes that seemed to have their own luminance. She was a petite thing, her heels giving her some height but not nearly enough to be eye level with me. She had to tilt her head back, her chin up, just to look at me. “I can’t even hide it, can I?” She chuckled then looked down at her paper again. “I was supposed to grab the dry cleaning from Mr. Garret, but my key isn’t working in the door, so I must be in the wrong residence.”

  “Mr. Garret is 55C. You’re one level up.”

  “Wow, a totally different floor.” She brought the paper to her face to cover it in embarrassment. “I swear, I’m a smart chick. I’m just used to working with patients and organizing paperwork and stuff. This is a whole new territory for me.”

  “No judgment.”

  She lowered the paper and folded it again. “Thanks. I wouldn’t want Cleo to know how much I’m struggling.”

  “She already knows.”

  She cringed. “I guess word travels fast, huh?”

  “No,” I said with a chuckle. “She just knows everything. I don’t know how she does it, but she knows everything while it’s happening—even if it’s on a different floor. She doesn’t have eyes in the back of her head, but eyes all over the place.”

  “Yeah, she seems on top of her shit, twenty-four seven.”

  “Except for lunches. She’s notoriously bad at that.”

  When she gave a chuckle, it was a cute sound, those plump lips pulling back to reveal perfectly straight and white teeth. She had thick eyelashes that were dark with mascara, making her eyes stand out even more. She wore a lot of makeup like the other girls and my mom because it was professional, but I could tell she didn’t really need it. “I pack snacks every day now. But at least I’ll lose some weight on the job.”

  I didn’t think she had any weight to lose, but I never commented when women said things like that because it wasn’t my place to decide how they should look. My net was pretty wide when it came to the opposite sex, so I didn’t really have a type, at least not when it involved plain ol’ banging. “And Cleo isn’t the kind of boss that’s going to think less of you for struggling. She’s really patient, and she’d rather help you become the best you can be than give up on you.”

  “Yeah, I can tell she’s a special person. During my interview, she asked a couple hard-hitting questions, but she’s also motherly at the same time. Like, I felt like I could just talk to her about anything immediately. Hard to explain.”

  It wasn’t hard to explain because I already understood. “She’s the best.”

  She smiled. “It’s nice seeing a man who doesn’t have problems taking orders from a woman, who respects her, who doesn’t have an ego or anything.”

  “Oh, I have an ego,” I said with a smile. “Just a different kind of ego.” I winked then walked around her to the elevator at the end of the hallway.

  She walked beside me, using a quicker stride to keep up with me. “Yeah?”

  “An ego outside of business hours, you know what I mean?” I winked again and hit the button on the wall so the elevator would retrieve us.

  She chuckled. “I love everyone here, but you might be my favorite.”

  I shrugged. “I get that a lot.”

  She chuckled again, knowing I was kidding.

  I liked that she got my humor so easily, that she didn’t take what I said seriously like someone else might. I listened to the machine crank as it moved the elevator toward us.

  “But seriously, it’s nice. I liked my last boss, but he definitely had an ego, and it would just get in the way of everything. Because I was a woman, he always had to make sure he was above me in every way possible, and every other job I’ve had has had the same issues.”

  It was probably because of the way I was raised. My parents kept all of us down-to-earth, and my mom was always a hard worker who ran an entire building and earned the respect of everyone around her. I grew up with parents who were both bosses in their respective fields, so gender roles never really occurred to me. And one of my biggest mentors in medicine was a woman, one of the most brilliant physicians and educators in the field, and she taught me more than anyone else ever did. “That’s not ego. That’s insecurity.” The doors opened, and we stepped inside.

  “Yeah. True.” She joined me.

  I hit the button to her floor and dropped her off before I returned to the lobby. Mom was alone at her desk working on spreadsheets, her black coffee beside her. When I walked over, I saw it was nearly empty. “Want a refill?”

  “That’s okay, baby. I’ve had enough.” When no one was around, she switched back to being motherly, calling me by the nickname she’d given me since I was a boy. “How’d it go?”

  “Fine.” I took a seat beside her and
leaned back to give my body a rest after running around all day. “Everything is ready to go. I did all the troubleshooting for it.”

  “Great.” She kept looking at her computer and scrolling through spreadsheets, her glasses on the bridge of her nose because she had a hard time reading without them sometimes. She never mentioned the conversation Dad and I had had the other day, choosing to leave it alone. She seemed to be more understanding about the situation, wanting to do whatever was necessary to make me happy. And if that meant working for her and acting like nothing happened, then that’s what she’d do. She was definitely the good cop and he was the bad cop when it came to parenting. “So, what do you think about Sicily?”

  “She’s hot.”

  She rolled her eyes and tried to hide the slight smile on her lips. “Dex.”

  “Come on, you know I’m a professional. But she’s a beautiful girl.”

  “I know she is.” She finished adding her numbers into the spreadsheet before she turned to me. “She used to work in a medical office.”

  “Yeah, she mentioned it.”

  “You guys must have a lot in common.”

  Not really.

  She watched my face for a moment, as if waiting for me to respond.

  But I had nothing to say to that.

  It grew tense, but then she let it pass. “Things are going to get hectic as we get into the holidays.”

  “Yeah, I remember last year.”

  “You’re okay with the overtime?”

  “I’m all yours, boss.”

  She smiled. “Crazy to think that this time next year, Lizzie won’t be living at home.”

  “She’ll still come for the holidays.”

  “Yes, but she’ll be an adult.” She released a long sigh. “I feel like it was just yesterday when she became a teenager.”

  “Well, it was only a few years ago.” Lizzie had become a part of our family, and I’d never looked at her in an adopted niece kind of situation. She was just my niece, one who was only like ten years younger than me.