The Boy Who Has No Redemption Read online

  As much as I loved his parents, I wanted nothing to do with them. They were the final reminders that my romance with Derek had been real, that my memories weren’t figments of my imagination, that I’d really loved that man with everything that I had. I’m fine. How are you?

  I’m okay. Are you still working for Derek?

  Yeah. I was sitting in the corporate office. I’ve been on so many interviews, and I never get anything. It sucks.

  Did you contact your old publisher?

  Yeah. I burned that bridge when they gave me a job, but I chose to stay with Derek… If I’d known how this relationship was going to end, I would have stayed far away from him. I’d loved him so much that I’d thought giving up that career path would still be worth it…but it wasn’t. Derek was my biggest regret. It wasn’t having a baby before I turned eighteen. It was that heartless and ruthless man. He didn’t just hurt me, but my daughter. He ruined me. I kept telling myself I would bounce back from this stronger than ever, but it was so hard to do that. He broke my trust, my faith, my belief that I could ever be with someone again. I was completely demoralized.

  I have an idea. I can get you a position here. It’s basically what you’re already doing. And I know Deacon can get you something too, if you aren’t interested in my position.

  How were these people so nice when Derek was an asshole? We’d been broken up a while now, and they still kept in touch with me even though we were never getting back together. Maybe they felt bad for me. Maybe they knew their son fucked up, and they were trying to take responsibility for it and clean up his mess.

  As much as I wanted their help, I knew I needed to cut them out of my life. It was just making it hard to really let go. Once I got a new job and left Derek, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him ever again. I should just cut ties now. I really appreciate the offer, and you and Deacon are just so amazing. I love you guys. But…I think we should stop being in contact. It’s not that I want to…it’s just too hard. I really need to move on with my life. And talking to you just reminds me of what I had…and it makes it hard to move on.

  She didn’t say anything. The dots were gone.

  I hoped that wasn’t the last message we would ever have. Maybe I offended her.

  The dots returned along with a message. I completely understand, Emerson. Deacon and I need to let go as well. Honestly, I think we’ve continued to hope that if we kept in touch with you, we could keep you around a little longer—long enough for Derek to realize his mistake and wake up. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.

  Even if it did, I wouldn’t take him back. Maybe someday Derek will be in a good place again and he’ll find someone.

  But it won’t be you. We want it to be you.

  Ugh, she was just making this harder. Trust me, I wanted it to be me too…but it’s not.

  9

  Derek

  When I woke up on Sunday, she was still there.

  Couldn’t even remember her name.

  She was passed out so hard, she didn’t feel me leave the bed.

  I pulled on my sweatpants then walked into the kitchen to get the coffee going. I had a headache behind my eyes from all the booze last night, so I popped a few pills and got an early start before it turned into a migraine.

  My phone lit up with a text from my dad. Are you still coming tonight, Derek?

  “Fuck.” I totally forgot. I wasn’t sure when I would be able to get rid of what’s-her-name and get my day started. I needed to work on the revisions for the rover that NASA sent back on Friday afternoon. Rain check?

  Derek. I could hear his tone just in the text message. You’re coming tonight. That’s final.

  It was out of character for him to talk that way, even if he was angry. Everything about it was weird. Everything alright?

  He never texted me back.

  Dad?

  I was supposed to come for dinner, but I showered and got ready and then headed over there straightaway. I didn’t even wake up what’s-her-name and ask her to leave. I just left her there and headed to my parents’ a few blocks away.

  With dread in my heart and a tremor in my hands, I knocked on the door.

  It took a few minutes for my dad to answer.

  He pulled the door open and looked at me with a stony expression, his face tight, like he was clenching every muscle in his body to give him that look of consternation. Wordlessly, he opened the door wider and stepped back so I could come inside.

  I moved into the condo but quickly turned around to look at him. “Dad?”

  He moved his hand to my arm and guided me to the couch.

  Mom was sitting there. She gave me a slight smile, but her eyes were empty…which wasn’t like her.

  Dad sat beside her and grabbed her hand. He held it on her thigh.

  I fell into the armchair and stared at them, feeling the tense energy in the room, the despair…the fear. It wasn’t the happy home where I grew up. Everything was different. It was darker, like a thick cloud had permanently covered the sun. I started to breathe hard, feeling the terror grip me by the chest, the acid burn in my stomach because so much cortisol dripped into my bloodstream. “Dad…?” I couldn’t even finish the sentence because it was too hard. The effort broke me.

  He stared at her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

  Mom dropped her gaze and didn’t look at me…like she couldn’t.

  Dad cleared his throat then turned to me, the pained expression on his face unmistakable. “Your mother has cancer.”

  I couldn’t remember how I got into the hallway.

  I blinked, and then I was outside, in the long and silent hallway. My vision blurry not from tears, but adrenaline, fear, despair. I was aware of my breathing.

  In. Out. In. Out.

  In. In. In. Out. Out. Out.

  In-out-in-out-in-out-in-out.

  I braced myself with my palm against the wall as I hyperventilated, as I descended into manic hysteria, as I lost all strength as my body gave out, as I suddenly broke down into tears and heaved as I placed my forehead against the wall and shook violently, no longer in control of the body I’d in charge of my entire life.

  The door opened, and someone came.

  A hand was pressed to my back, gentle and loving, innately warm. “Honey.”

  I cried harder when I heard her voice, heard her try to comfort me…when she was the one who had fucking cancer.

  “Honey.” Her voice was strong, her hands strong, everything about her strong. She gently turned me toward her. “Listen to me.”

  “Mom…” I looked at her, barely able to see her because tears blurred my vision. “No…no…no…I can’t do this.”

  “Shh…” She cupped my face and looked into my gaze. “I know this is hard, but you can do this. You can’t run away from this one. I need you to be here, with us, right now.”

  “Mom, I love you so much.” I straightened as I placed my hands over her wrists and squeezed her. “I love you… I can’t… This isn’t fair. You don’t deserve this.”

  “Shh…” Her thumbs rubbed against my cheeks, catching my tears. “It’s going to be okay. I will beat this. But I need you to be there for your father. He puts up a strong front for me, but I know he’s falling apart. I need you to do that for me.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I pulled her hands off my face. “You’re the one who’s going through this, and you’re telling me to take care of Dad? You’re taking care of me right now…when I should be taking care of you. I’m the one who’s supposed to say everything is going to be okay.”

  Her strength didn’t wane. Her eyes didn’t even water. Like a fucking titan, she didn’t even flinch. “Derek, I don’t need you for that. I need you to do that for him. Promise me that you’ll do that. You can’t hide in your penthouse or bury yourself in work. I need you to be there for him through this. He needs you more than he’s ever needed anybody.”

  I couldn’t stop the sobs, so I nodded.


  Her hands moved to mine, and she held them, giving me a motherly squeeze.

  I squeezed her back, squeezed her harder than I should. “Mom, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” she said calmly. “It happens.”

  I closed my eyes and more tears fell. “I can’t lose you, okay? You’re the best fucking mom in the fucking world… I can’t. You’re the best person in the world. You’re the best…everything.”

  She gave a slight smile. “You’re the best son a mother could ask for. And I have no doubt that you’re going to help your father get through this. All my energy is going to go into kicking cancer’s ass, so your energy needs to go into this.”

  I nodded, still crying hard in the hallway. “I won’t let you down, Mom.”

  “I know you won’t.”

  I couldn’t sleep.

  I sat in the living room, in the fucking dark, stared at the coffee table, and just writhed in pain.

  One thing could change your world forever.

  One thing could make you realize how much you took for granted.

  One thing…could change everything.

  All those dinners I skipped, all those times I didn’t say thank you for going above and beyond for me, all those times I cared about my birth mom who couldn’t care less about me when I should have cared about the woman who’d loved me like own her since the moment she met me.

  Regrets…so many fucking regrets.

  The first thing I did when I got home was call Emerson. But the second I heard it ring, I quickly hung up, knowing that I couldn’t call her.

  That she wasn’t in my life to call anymore.

  We hadn’t really had a conversation in three months.

  I couldn’t even remember the last thing I said to her.

  I texted Dex. You awake?

  Mom and Dad told you.

  I called him and heard his voice when he answered. “Hey…”

  “Hey…” The sound of his voice made me start crying again.

  He was quiet.

  “Fuck.” I sniffed and wiped away my tears, clearing the emotion from my throat. “How long have you known?”

  “They told Daisy and me yesterday. I knew something was wrong the second I heard their voices. They asked us not to say anything to you because they wanted to tell you in person.”

  I stared at the coffee table, still breathing hard.

  “I said I would take a sabbatical from residency so I could be home, but Mom told me to stay.” His voice broke with tears. “Mom said she was going to beat this…and it was unnecessary.”

  “How the fuck is she so calm about this?”

  “Because she’s Mom. She’s fucking amazing.”

  “Yeah…” I cried and listened to him cry.

  “She’s comforting us when she’s the one going through this…crazy-ass bitch.”

  I released a painful chuckle through my tears. “Yeah, I know.”

  He took a deep breath and released a sigh. “They didn’t tell me any details about anything. I didn’t ask. I just…want her to beat it. Whatever it is.”

  I couldn’t believe I’d spent what could be her final Christmas as a fucking asshole. “She has her first chemo treatment. I’m going with them.”

  “Good. Dad needs you.”

  “I know he does…”

  Work was meaningless to me now.

  I didn’t even go in.

  I waited around until the appointment then met them at the hospital. Mom was put in a gown and placed in a room while they waited for her turn to receive her treatment. My dad sat at her bedside, holding her hand, looking pained but strong, his thumb brushing her knuckles.

  I sat beside him, doing my best not to have a reaction, to be as calm as they both were.

  Mom looked at him, a smile on her lips and in her eyes. “You nicked yourself this morning.”

  There was still a piece of tissue paper on his chin because he’d forgotten about it. “Yeah. Wasn’t paying attention.”

  She grabbed the paper and pulled it off. “There. That’s better.”

  He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it. “We’re going to get through this, alright? We’ve got the best doctors on this.” He spoke with strength, being like Mom, remaining positive.

  “Not to mention the best doctor.” She smiled at him.

  “Yeah…” He smiled back.

  The tech came in and then started to roll Mom’s bed out of the room. “We’ll be back soon.”

  Dad leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. “Love you.”

  “Love you too.” She smiled before they rolled her away.

  Dad returned to the chair and stared straight ahead.

  The sound of the wheels of her bed faded as she passed down the hallway.

  His tight expression immediately slackened when she was gone, and as he stared at where her bed had been just a moment ago, his breathing starting to escalate, swallowing the lump in his throat over and over.

  “Dad, it’s gonna—”

  He sobbed—hard. He gripped his chest like he was having a heart attack, and he leaned forward as the sobs racked his entire body. He fell apart right before my eyes, his body shaking with every deep sob, coming apart despite the people who passed in the hallway and had a full view of us.

  It was the most painful thing I’d ever seen in my life. “Dad…”

  As if I wasn’t even there, he grieved, collapsed, had a complete breakdown.

  Watching him like this hurt so bad that I sobbed too. “Dad…” I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward me, getting my arms around him and holding him against me, letting him fall into me instead of toward the floor. “It’s going to be okay…it’s going to be okay.” I rubbed his back and felt my tears drip trickle my cheeks to his shoulder, drip onto his shirt and soak it.

  “I can’t…I can’t…I can’t live without her.”

  “I know. You aren’t going to.”

  He continued to sob. “She’s everything to me. I just…I can’t do it.”

  “Mom’s got this. Come on, she’s the strongest person we know.” I had to force myself to stop crying because listening to me was probably making it worse. “She’s got the best care. And she’s got the best resilience.”

  He sobbed against me for a long time, like he’d been keeping this all inside since the moment he learned the truth. He was always there for me, and now he collapsed because he knew I would be there for him.

  I continued to hold him and rub his back, letting him finish until he’d run dry.

  He eventually pulled away, his face so red and puffy, there was no way he’d be able to hide this from Mom. “I love her…so fucking much.”

  “I know, Dad.”

  “No, you don’t.” He dragged his hands down his face to catch his tears. “I wish… I wish it were me. I can’t live without her. She’s everything to me. She’s…” He shook his head, his eyes still wet. “I’ve only loved her more with every passing year, with every wrinkle, with every change that’s come our way. She loved you when she didn’t have to, she gave me the best kids ever, she’s been there for me when I didn’t deserve it. She’s the love of my fucking life, and I can’t let something take her away from me. If you’re lucky enough to find what I’ve found, you never let go. Not ever. And I can’t let go of her… I fucking can’t. If I lose her…I’ll die.”

  10

  Emerson

  I stopped dating.

  I canceled my memberships to the dating sites and gave up on the whole institution. Being a single mom meant no one was interested, and pretending I wasn’t a single mom made it much worse.

  I was over it.

  When Lizzie was out of the house, I might try again.

  But the sex wasn’t good like it used to be…with Derek. And there was no connection. After the deep and meaningful relationship I’d had with Derek, in comparison, everything was just…stale.

  Despite the fact that Derek turned into an asshole, he still ruined all other men for me.<
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  He ruined Lizzie.

  He broke our hearts, and it seemed like they would be broken forever.

  I sat in the corporate office and opened the email just sent my way. My excitement piqued, because I hoped it would be an offer from the last job I applied to.

  But nope. Another rejection.

  “Ugh, Jesus Christ!” My elbows dropped to the desk, and I rested my head on the surface as I gave a loud sigh. “Am I gonna have to work here forever or what?” I sat up again and glanced out the windows that overlooked the rest of the buildings. I didn’t have to see Derek very much, so it wasn’t totally unbearable, but I still hated it. I hated looking at his stupid, lifeless face when I had to.

  Speaking of which, I had to go talk to him now.

  Just when I stood up, my phone rang, and I recognized the number. “Oh, this should be good.” I answered. “Hey, Mark.”

  “I’ve tried to reach Derek directly many times with no response. I need an ETA for his next book. What the hell, Emerson?”

  I used to hate it when he spoke to me that way, but now I would gladly go back and be yelled at every single day. Anything was better than working here. “I’ll get it figured out.”

  “Get it figured out?” he asked. “Has he even been writing?”

  No idea. I disconnected our sharing capabilities, so I had no idea if he’d written a single word, but I had a strong hunch he’d abandoned the series and wouldn’t write another book. Ever. “I’m sure he has. I’ll let you know, Mark.”

  “When are you going—”

  I hung up.

  I grabbed my paperwork then took the golf cart to his warehouse. As far as I knew, his rocket program had been put on hold indefinitely, and he had his teams working on other things instead. It had been a test launch, so he shouldn’t take the failure so seriously, but he wasn’t my problem anymore, and I wasn’t going to try to change his mind. I just did my job then went home. This job no longer gave me personal satisfaction, so I couldn’t care less.