The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7) Read online

  Her eyes instantly became subdued.

  “I know you don’t want me to get hurt again, Mom. I understand. But Derek is not someone who’s going to knock me up and leave. He’s the best man I’ve ever known besides Dad. You’ll love him. I promise you. Just…be patient.”

  She inhaled a deep breath, looking guilty for her previous behavior. “I’m sorry. I just… All of that feels like it happened yesterday, even though I look at my twelve-year-old granddaughter every day and see her age. I know how hurt you were, and I …can’t go through that again.”

  “I know, Mom.” I came closer to her then wrapped my arms around her. “But Derek won’t hurt me. I’m not just some random woman to him. He loves me.”

  She pulled away and looked at me. “He said that to you?”

  Not exactly. “No, but I know how he feels.”

  5

  Derek

  My weekend was the same as all the others.

  Just worked.

  Now that I didn’t go out with the guys anymore, I stayed home most of the time. They were all single and looking to go out and hook up, and since I wasn’t interested in that anymore, I just didn’t fit.

  And women just made passes at me the whole time, and it got really annoying. I wondered if I wore a wedding ring if they would leave me alone, but I suspected that still wouldn’t deter them.

  Because people fucking sucked.

  It was Sunday when my mom texted me. Hey, honey. What are you doing today?

  Working. I was just like Dad. That was all I ever did.

  I thought you would say that. Your father is at the hospital all day. Thought we could get lunch.

  I had so much shit to do, but I would never say no to my mother, especially when my only excuse was working. If she knew I was doing something fun, she wouldn’t ask me. But the only person I wanted to do fun things with was with her daughter on the weekends. Sure. Tell me where to meet you.

  Whenever my dad wasn’t around, we always went to hole-in-the-wall kind of places so we didn’t have to accommodate his pickiness. She picked a sandwich shop, and she always picked because I let her.

  We sat across from each other in the booth and ate while we caught up on life. She told me it was about to get really busy because of the holidays, so she would have to decorate most of the penthouses to the level of a magazine photo. “What’s going on with you?”

  “I finished my rocket prototype and sent it to the appliance team so they can build it.”

  “Great. So, what are you working on now?”

  “The new rover for Mars. It’s hard for me to start a new project when I don’t have closure on the first one.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine, Derek.”

  “Won’t know until we test it. And even then, there’s always that risk.”

  “You’re doing the best you can. And I’m sure the best you can is literally the best.”

  I didn’t take her praise seriously because she was biased. I could do no wrong in her eyes.

  “And how are things with Emerson?”

  “Good.” She was the light of my life, despite the tense run-in with her mother.

  “Is that all you’re going to give me?” she asked. “Come on, we adore her. We want to hear about her life as much as yours.” She wrapped up the other half of her sandwich and then opened her bag of chips.

  Now that I had a serious woman in my life, my parents were even more involved, probably because they wanted me to get married and give them grandchildren, to have a finite ending to my story. “She met Ryan and Camille the other night.”

  “Oh good. How did that go?”

  “Well. They loved her.”

  “Of course they did. What’s not to love?” She smiled then kept eating.

  “Ryan and Camille are engaged.”

  “Aww, that’s so wonderful. They aren’t even high school sweethearts. They’re like first-grade sweethearts.”

  “Yes, I’m happy for them.”

  “Will there be a wedding?”

  “Yes, in the next few months.”

  She nodded and kept eating. There was a long pause, like she was taking her time before she asked her next question. “Other classmates will be there, you think…?”

  I knew exactly what she was asking. “Unfortunately.”

  “And are you okay with that?”

  “It’s their wedding. They can have whoever they want there.” I wasn’t bitter or offended by it. My beef with Kevin should have no effect on their relationship with him. They didn’t talk to Tabitha for a while, but their friendship was rekindled through mutual friends.

  “Are you in the wedding?”

  “Best man.”

  She smiled. “That’s cute. You’ll look so good in a tux.”

  “I look good in anything, Mom.”

  “You do.” She continued to eat her chips. “Did you tell Emerson about all that?” She was careful not to use specific names in case it set me off.

  I shook my head.

  “Maybe you should—”

  “Mom.” We’d reached my limit, and the conversation would go no further.

  She dropped it.

  “I have to do a book signing next week, and I’m dreading it.”

  “You do?” she asked happily. “Where?”

  “In Times Square.”

  “At the Parchment Bookstore?”

  I nodded.

  “That’s so exciting. Your father and I will come down.”

  Of course they would.

  “Why are you dreading it?”

  “I’m not good at those sorts of things.”

  “It seems like you’re getting better because of her.”

  I was getting better at everything because of her. She pushed me to be a man I thought I was incapable of being. “Yes…because of her.”

  She gave a slight smile and continued to eat.

  I picked up the other half of my sandwich and took a few bites. It was quiet for a while.

  “How’s her daughter?”

  “I haven’t met her.”

  “I know, but what does she say about her?”

  I chewed my next bite before I answered. “She said she’s struggling in school, mainly math.”

  “I know how that is.” She chuckled to herself.

  “I feel like a very small number of teachers in public school are there for the right reasons and aren’t just taking the job because of the pension and summers off. It affects the students, and I feel like that’s what’s happening to Lizzie. Every student learns differently, but they’re only taught in one way. Learning skills is not correlated to intelligence. It’s correlated to the type of teaching. If we understood that better, everyone would have the same skill set coming out of school.”

  She nodded. “Maybe you should help her out, Derek.”

  I stilled at the comment. “Me?”

  “Why not?”

  “I’ve never met her, so…”

  “Yeah, but maybe this would be a good way for you to do that, by helping her learn. That’s what you’re passionate about, right?”

  I shrugged and took another bite.

  “Just an idea. And you’re the best teacher in the world, so I’m sure Emerson would appreciate it. Good tutors are really expensive, and Emerson shouldn’t spend her money on that, not when she’s dating one of the most brilliant people in the world.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know what?” she asked.

  “I just… I’m a little nervous to meet her.”

  “I’m sure she’s lovely, Derek.”

  “That’s not what I’m worried about. I took Emerson home on Friday, and her mother came into the hallway…not a big fan of me.”

  Both of her eyebrows rose, immediately in protective mama bear mode. “What did she say to you?”

  “That if I were a real man, I would meet Lizzie. I know she’s just being protective of Emerson. I get it.”

  “Then it sounds like they want you
to take that next step.”

  “And it also reminds me how delicate the situation is.” I set down my sandwich on the wrapper and stared at the table for a moment. “Emerson is really dedicated to her daughter, which I admire because she doesn’t abandon her to spend more time with me…even though she wants to sometimes. She knows I’m frustrated that I don’t see her more, that she doesn’t sleep over, that I have to rearrange my schedule just to take her out. But she still doesn’t cut corners when it came to being a mother, which is important to me because my own mother took off with some guy and couldn’t have cared less about me…”

  Her eyes fell like that really hurt.

  “So, I admire her for prioritizing her daughter over me, even if I don’t like it as her boyfriend. And I also just…” I released a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to get involved with Lizzie because I know how shitty it is to watch someone leave. So if I become part of her life, I won’t be able to leave again. It’s a solid commitment. On top of that, I don’t know shit about kids, don’t really like them, so it’s just a lot of pressure on me.”

  My mom was quiet for a long time, digesting what I said. “I think you’re taking it too seriously, Derek. I understand you think of everything literally, but if we approached everything that way, we would never do anything. We’d always talk ourselves out of it. Loving you like my own was no effort at all, and I was the same as you are now, knowing absolutely nothing about kids. It just happened naturally.”

  “But you and I are different people, Mom. You’re…caring and loving.”

  She smiled, her eyes soft. “The fact that you care so much about doing right by this girl shows you’re just as caring and loving.”

  Emerson set the bag of dinner on the counter and took a seat with me at the table since the guys were done for the day. “I faxed over all that paperwork to NASA, made copies of everything and filed it in your cabinet, and finished all your emails.” She pulled out her sandwich and unwrapped it. “Now, I get to eat. Yum.”

  I watched her, distracted from my work now that she was there, being cute.

  She took a few more bites then turned her gaze on me, noticing my stare. “Never seen a woman eat before?”

  “Just never seen one look so cute while eating.”

  Her eyes filled with a touched glint as she chewed her bite. “I know you’re probably tired because it’s been a long day, but I thought we could prepare for Saturday when we get to your penthouse.”

  It was nice when we worked after hours, so I could spend time with her privately. It wasn’t going out to dinner or spending time watching TV together, but it was still something, and she didn’t feel guilty about being away from her daughter because it was work-related. “That’s fine.” I set my things aside then grabbed my food.

  We ate together in silence, just the two of us in the lab.

  “I told my mom about the book signing.”

  “Yeah?” she asked. “Wow, beat me to the punch.”

  “I thought it should come from me if she was going to find out anyway.”

  “Good. Trust me, that made her really happy. How is she?”

  “Good. We got lunch on Sunday.”

  “Not your dad?”

  “He was doing patient care at the hospital.”

  She nodded in understanding before she took a bite.

  “So, I was thinking…” I was hungry, but I suddenly lost my appetite and put down the sandwich. “Maybe I could help Lizzie with her homework…if you’re comfortable with that.”

  She literally dropped her sandwich, and it fell to the floor with a noticeable splat because of the mayo and mustard on the bread.

  I stilled at her reaction. “It was a stupid thing to ask. Just forget—”

  “No, no, no, it’s not stupid.” She bent down to pick up the sandwich and set it back on the wrapper. The sandwich was destroyed and inedible at this point. “I’m just surprised you would offer, is all.”

  I set half my sandwich in front of her.

  Her eyes softened at the gesture as she brought it closer. “I think that would be great…if you’re ready for that.”

  “I told my mom I wasn’t, but you know how she is.”

  “Yes, she’s pretty persuasive. But Derek, if you don’t want to do it, there’s no pressure. Don’t think about what my mom said.”

  “The idea of going out to dinner or something and having to talk to her…sounds like too much. But teaching her how to do math and science, that doesn’t sound too bad. And I told my mom I didn’t want to get involved because I could never get involved and then leave…because my own mother left. But she said I was thinking about it too deeply. If I continue to think about it that way, I’ll never do it. Nobody would. No one knows what’s going to happen in life, and if I continue to think about things in absolute certainties, it’s unrealistic.”

  She nodded in agreement. “True.”

  “So, I’m just tutoring her. That’s it.”

  “I think that’s a good start.”

  “You’re comfortable with that?” She was comfortable exposing her daughter to me when I considered it just to be tutoring sessions, just dipping my toes in the water to check the temperature.

  “I think it’s a great idea. You’re introducing yourself as her teacher, not as her mother’s boyfriend, a potential stepfather. That’s all it is. No expectations. I can drop her off at your penthouse, and you can just work together. And then I’ll pick her up. You don’t need to come to our apartment.”

  I studied her face to make sure she was being genuine. “I’m nervous…”

  She nodded. “It’s okay to be nervous.”

  “I usually know what I’m doing in any given situation, but I have no idea what I’m doing now.”

  “You’re just tutoring her, Derek. That’s it. And you know how to tutor someone. So that’s not true.”

  I gave a nod.

  She moved her hand across the table and placed it on mine, her fingers giving me a light squeeze.

  I stared at our joined fingers and felt less scared, less terrified.

  “Lizzie has no idea that we’re seeing each other. So, I’ll tell her you offered to tutor her as a favor to me. She’ll have absolutely no expectation at all. She won’t see you as someone coming into our lives. So, there’s no pressure or commitment whatsoever. You can always back out later if it’s not working, and she’ll have no emotional attachment at all.”

  6

  Emerson

  Any time I tried to get Derek to do something out of his norm, it was like pulling teeth.

  Interestingly, he seemed to dread the book signing more than meeting my daughter. Maybe because she was only one person and he was doing something he was comfortable doing, it was different. But the idea of meeting stranger after stranger was terrifying.

  He sat across the table from me, his eyes brooding, his attitude festering.

  I picked up a couple copies of his book from the bookstore and set them in a stack beside him. There were pens for him to use too.

  “So, let’s pretend—”

  “How about we go into the bedroom instead?” He was in just his sweatpants and no shirt, so his bare chest was right in my line of sight, his pecs hard like two pieces of solid wood. His fair skin was unblemished, and he didn’t have dark hair on his body like he did on his jawline.

  That offer was very difficult to reject. “Afterward.”

  He deflated even further, having a silent tantrum. He was so handsome that he was even sexier when he was angry, his brown eyes becoming more intense and authoritative. His bedroom look was similar. That was probably why I liked it.

  We were supposed to do this days ago, but when he offered to tutor Lizzie, our plans went out the window. “Derek, we only have a few days before this signing. We need to focus.”

  He gave me that cold stare.

  I ignored how sexy he looked when he did that. Even when he yelled at me, he was still hot. I got out of my chair, pushed it in, and grabbe
d a book. My name was on a sticky note, so I approached the table, beaming. “Oh my god, I love your books. It’s so amazing to meet you in person.” I extended my book to him.

  He just stared at me.

  I waved the book slightly, still smiling.

  “This is weird.”

  “Just pretend—”

  “I don’t have an imagination.”

  “Derek, how would you be able to build rockets and rovers without an imagination? Now, come on.” I waved the book again. “Derek Hamilton, it’s so nice to meet you.”

  One hand rested on his thigh, so his elbow was bent, and he continued to look at me like this was the dumbest thing in the world. He eventually released a loud sigh then took the book. He ripped off the sticky note then opened the cover so he could quickly sign. All he wrote was Derek Hamilton before he slid it back to me.

  Now all I did was stare.

  He dropped the pen and continued to look pissed off.

  “Okay…that was just…terrible.”

  He gave a loud sigh. “I signed the book—”

  “You said you don’t want to disappoint people, so if you act like a fucking asshole, they’ll definitely be disappointed.”

  “I’m not trying to be an asshole. That’s just how I am.”

  “You are so not.” I set the book aside and grabbed another. I ripped out a page from my notebook and made notes before I set it beside him. “Those are the steps. Just do the steps, and it’ll go well.”

  He glanced at the paper before he looked at me. “Step one, say hello.”

  “Very good.” I held out the book out to him. “I’m so excited to meet you, Derek. I’ve read all of your books, and you’re my favorite author.”

  He stared at me for a while before he responded. “Hello…”

  This was still terrible, but I let it go. I handed him the book.